Slim Randles' Home Country

A few words on lawn nutrition

[August 24, 2013]  You have to hand it to Windy. When Alphonse "Windy" Wilson chooses to speak, it's a bombastic sampling of creativity. Windy has yet to find a word he can't make better through his own unique methods.

Well, what got him fired up the other day was a meeting of the garden club ladies down at the nursery. Windy's been helping Dewey with his manure business on the one day a week he spends helping others. Today wasn't a helper day, but he couldn't pass up the audience. They hadn't gotten through old business when Windy stood, smiled and spoke.

"Dear ladies," he said, "what an opera-tune moment this is, finding you all coagulated here in an effort to beatify the yards of our fair town. And what, you may ask, brings me to this conflagration? It's the latest thing in gardening. Our chairman of the board refers to it as ‘cow pasture tea' and it nutritionalizes plants right down to bedrock. As Dewey says, the only way to improve on cow manure is to liquidize it. Well, he hasn't said it yet, but he will.

"Now what exactly is cow pasture tea, you're undoubtedly asking yourselves at this moment. It's a varietal combination of composted cow manure, water and some acid we put in there to matriculate it properly into the life-giving succulence we require. Then we put it in a drum and pull the drum behind a tractor-like conveyance that looks an awful lot like an old riding lawn mower. We spray this on your lawn, and in ninja-seconds, this liquor of life perambulates deep into the rootiness of the grass and makes it want to grow."

He smiled at the group and noticed a lot of them were giggling in appreciation of his talk. He puffed up and continued.

"And what does the Dewey Decker Manure Combine charge for this incompartible service? A mere $10 for an average-sized lawn. Think about that, ladies. Ten dollars. Twenty 50-cent pieces. Why you'd spend more than that on a wedding dress or a trip to the Bermudas!"

A number of the ladies clapped at that, thinking that might satisfy him, and it did. He smiled and sat.

He could get used to this corporate life. Maybe it wasn't too late to climb the ladder to success.

[Text from file received from Slim Randles] 

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